Why Me?

It's amazing how much my life has changed over the years. It wasn't that long ago I was lonely, single, and well to some extent free. Not free as to say I could do whatever I want. But as a young single adult, I was free to take a chance knowing that if it didn't work out only I had to face the consequences of my actions. Free to know that if I didn't feel like going to work on a particular morning that I might feel a financial strain, or even lose my job but that ultimately once again only I would suffer. Now strangely enough I find myself in a "whole new world" to quote Aladdin. I find myself responsible for more than myself, now my actions directly affect those whom I love the most in this world, my wife Sarah and my son Judah. If I fail to bring home enough money to pay the bills, then they are the ones who go hungry, if I can't pay the rent they are the ones in the cold. My actions however great or small now have consequences far greater than I can often foresee.

Don't get me wrong I do not consider my wife and son to be a bad thing, quite the opposite, I often wonder what I ever did to deserve such a great blessing. I know of no one more amazing, more beautiful, more precious to me than my wife. And I know of no one cuter, and in whom I have greater hopes and dreams than little Judah. I love them both with a love that knows no boundary, nor could ever be defined with such a simple thing as words. It is an indescribable love, ever changing, ever growing, ever finding new ways of touching my heart.

As I sit here I am reminded of a passage in the Lord Of The Rings, in which Frodo is speaking to Gandalf.
'This ring!' he stammered. 'How on earth did it come to me?'

I find myself wondering the same thing. How on earth did this all happen? I was single, now I'm married, with a five week old copy of myself sitting quietly in his swing. How did I suddenly go from being responsible for one to being responsible for three? This ring how on earth did it come to me? How on earth indeed? My life I find is full of little wonders, about which I can't help but wonder. Like Frodo I feel myself to be ill suited for such a perilous quest as God seems to continue to thrust upon me. I was not prepared to be a husband or a father, I was not prepared to build a youthgroup from nothing, I was not prepared for such a perilous quest, yet I find myself here all the same, a hobbit in a world of Giants.

I find Gandalfs answer to Frodo's questions applies equally well to my own question. 'Such questions cannot be answered...You may be sure that it was not for any merit that others do not possess: not for power or wisdom at any rate. But you have been chosen, and you must therefore use such strength and heart and wits as you have.' So it is with these words of wisdom passed down by a wise old man that I press forward. For if a hobbit can carry upon him the fate of an entire world, perhaps I can carry out the will of one much wiser and stronger than I.

"But I have so little of these things!"

- Frodo Baggins

Calling me

I close my eyes, a million faces in the dark.
A million voices call my name.
A million people, no two the same.
A million hurting hearts,
A million desperate souls.
Millions of dreams, millions of goals.

On a long forgotten hilltop,
Stands a lonely, weathered cross.
And a desperate man upon his knees,
Lamenting his great loss.

In the corner of her bedroom,
Cries a tender little thing.
Her broken heart lies shattered,
In a pool of blood and shame.

Voices on the wind,
Thier cries blend in bitter harmony.
Tears and rain,
Flowing down the drain in equal measure.

In a land you've never been to,
A young boy calls my name.
He's shrivled and he's hungry,
His bodies racked by pain.

Near a dingy corner market,
A woman hocks her wares.
The only love she knows,
Is at the end of lusty stares.

Voices on the wind,
Are calling me tonight.
Tears and rain,
Upon my face, as my precious children cry.

Three days late

Tears fall down,
Angels gather round.
Watching thier Lord hang upon a tree.
Given His life for you and me.
Hear the thunder crack;
God turns His back.
How could someone watch their son die,
For one such as I?
What sacrifice,
Like fire and ice.
Cold as death, but hot as hell.
A handfull of change down the wishing well.
Three days in the tomb,
Not too much room.
Playing high stakes with the D-Man
Checking the cards in his hand.
Aces over Jacks,
Deck was stacked,
Still He won the pot,
Took the Devil for all he's got.
Took the key, set us free.
Gave hope to a hopeless man like me.
Aces over Jacks,
Imagine that.
Son of the King
Against a Jokers rebellion.
The thugs of Hell,
Against the armies of Heaven.
Perfect love
Against endless hate.
Devil you thought you won,
But you were three days late.

Found

Soul changed,
life rearranged.
Old life passes,
New set of glasses thru which I view the world.
Peace like a dove,
Love from above.
New lease on life,
Still facin’ strife, but He’s with me all the way.
Once I walked alone,
Flesh drippin from bone.
Booked a 747 to hell,
Fell down a well, then someone dropped me a rope.
Facing the soul stare,
Uttered a prayer.
Chains clattered against the floor.
Someone opened a door and I stepped on thru.
Found myself sittin on a pew.
Something new.
Looking to a man on a cross,
I once was lost, but now I’m found.

Candlelight

Flickering flame, exotic game, nothing but smoke and mirrors.
Burn marks on the bed sheets, taking the back streets,
Avoiding the highways, because you been slipping sideways
Drifting thru life on the byways,
Saying “I’m going to do it my way, so why don’t you back off now?”
You feel like your friends turned into coppers,
Every where you walk, stepping on poppers;
Don’t you hear the snap, crackle, poppin’?
Shooting sin like it’s heroin, trying to remember how it begins.
The six mile high, turning to six feet under.
A world of regret replacing a world of wonder.
What do you do now?
Oh, what you gonna say?
It’s not to long now, until your wedding day.
Are you just gonna stand up there?
Pretend it’s all alright,
And then when you go to bed, it’ll be like any other night.
When the preacher say girl, do you take this man?
You gonna tell him you took him and brought him back again?
Can you be faithful in marriage? If you weren’t faithful in life?
Tell me what you gonna do, when you run out of candle light?

Evan Almighty

Tonight the movie "Evan Almighty" premiers in theaters around the US and I thought it might be prudent to give my take on the movie here, of course this blogs audience is rather small, but for those of you who might actually read this, here's my take.

Now I had the benefit of being invited to go to a pre-screening of the movie several weeks ago, so this is my opinion of the actuall movie, not just my opinion of some one else's opion. But on that note I would like to say to those snobby movie reviewers, that I don't care how original, or cutting edge the movie is, how well someone played some difficult role, the whole point of seeing a movie, in my humble opinion, is to enjoy myself. Now no matter how high it's "technical" merits may be if I walk out of the theater or get off my couch, and I haven't been enjoying myself for the last couple hours, then in my opinion it's not a good movie. Because as the saying goes time is money, and frankly I don't like having to waste $7 to see a movie and then also waste two hours of my life as well. And well money is not everything I figure I can make at least $10 an hour working so That means that movie, which I didn't even enjoy just cost me $27, not to mention if I bought soda or popcorn. That is not only completly uneceptable but it is also the whole reason I rarely go to the theater anymore.

I have said all this to point out that in the case of Evan Almighty this is simply not the case, I can't remember the last time I thoroughly enjoyed myself at the movies, and when the movie was over I couldn't stop talking about it. My wife and I not only laughed throughout the movie but we continued to laugh about it that night, the rest of the week, and even two weeks later we still find ourselves periodicly giggling as we remember something from the movie.

Now I know many of you out there, who are worried that it will be a little on the sacriligious side, I was. In fact though I had not watched Bruce Almighty, I went ahead and watched it before seeing Evan and while it was kinda funny, and while the general messege of the movie was good, it was a little on the offensive side for Christians, I mean not the kind of movie I would take my youthgroup to, it's just not a good church activity movie. But I would like to say I was pleasently surprised with Evan Almighty, not only was it family friendly, but it was also very pro-Christian, pro-God, which frankly you don't see very much anymore. Now that said if you really go intending to find something offensive, something to complain about, you could probably find something, but honestly you could do that no matter what you watch, you could do that watching Saturday morning cartoons, in fact turn on TBN or watch a Christian DVD, Go to church, no matter where you go, who you talk to you can find something to complain about.

So my final opinion is this movie is GREAT, I am deffinitly going to buy this one when it comes out, this is a movie I am looking forward to watching with my little one when He gets older. It's a movie you can watch with your kids and not have to have one of those "parental" conversations afterwards. It's a movie that unlike most movies today, leaves you feeling uplifted, and joyous. So I don't care what all those hollywood types sayy, I say you should go see it! Show hollywood that people want to watch "quality" movies, that a movie doesn't have to have sex, nudit, drugs, perverse language and gore for people to like it.

So go watch Evan Almighty, and let the joy of the Lord overflow in your life :)

I'll be back tomorrow

I have a dream... actuallly many of them.
They draw together to form constalations.
The hope of many nations,
In shapes we know and love.
Clouds of doubt blot out my sky,
The lightning flashes of of resistance catch my eye.
The cold winds of fear, chill me to the bone.
Can I make it there, so far from home?
My stars are real,
My dreams have faces.
Voices calling from many places.
Hearts breaking, hope lost.
I've come too far to count the cost.
A young woman crying on a bloody bed,
A young man cradling a friend who's dead.
Hatred fueling bitter wars,
Body counts so high they've raised the floors.
Deception, a silent killer.
If you're not carefull, it'll change the face in the mirror.
Peace so hard to find,
In a world that's blind, to any real answers.
Truth a vapor tossed upon the wind,
No longer known by men, to whom it's but a memory.
Direction, destiny, design; two roads in my mind.
Trying to find the answers, searching for the signs.
Poetry, an expression of the soul.
But a tiny puzzle piece, of a much greater whole.
I hate to say but the end is near, but have no fear.
Just shed a tear and know that I'll be back tomorrow

"The good of the many..."

In light of the Virginia Tech massacre, and the countless copycats, and threats which inevitably pop up after such a tragic event, I thought It would be prudent to write something about the recent violence in the national spotlight especially in regards to our education system. Now many have written about the tragedy of it all, questioned the apparent lack of concern by Virginia Tech, when they decided against closing the school down after two students were killed two hours before the massacre. So figuring that everyone else had these issues covered I decided to take a slightly different approach and hopefully present something new for everyone to think about.

The idea for this post came the other day while talking to an older friend, who expressed not only her remorse for the tragedy of the situation, but also a loss for how so many people were able to be killed by one man. The more she talked about it, the more I began to see her point of view. Her main point was this; when she was a kid, the virginia Tech massacre, Columbine and similar situations would not and could not have happened for one simple reason. SOMEONE would have stopped them before they were able to kill so many! And its true, there was a time not so long ago when no self respecting young man (I'm not disrespecting women here, just making a point) would have allowed himself to be caught cowering in a corner or under a desk. He would have never been able to live with himself afterwards. It was a time when young men knew what it meant to be a man, and realized that there are somethings worth dying for, like your country, the woman you love, and (no disrespect intended here) so that thirty friends and fellow students don't have to die senselessly. Wasn't it Mr Spock who used to say "The good of the many, outweighs the good of the one or the few?" Wow too bad Spock wasn't attending Virginia Tech or a student at Columbine, he might have been able to inspire a few fellow students to put the lives of everyone else above themselves and take out the gunman before all those people had to die senselessly. I mean think about it, how many "men" would it have taken to rush one gunman with two pistols? Two pistols mind you, it wasn't like he was carrying a fully automatic rifle; while pistol types and clips very, they all have a generally small clip size and rate of fire. And yes it is likely that had a group of students rushed the gunman, several of them may have been killed. But then instead of mourning the senseless massacre of thirty plus students we would right now be praising the heroic actions of a few brave young men.

Now in all honesty I don't blame those at Virginia Tech for not taking direct action, because we live in a society today that leaves men as a whole confused as to what it really means to be a man. And it used to be that if you were in the middle of a crises like the one at Virginia Tech and you saw a chance to act, you knew that if you took action, the other guys would back you up. And today? Today I would be less sure. And I don't pretend to believe that had I been there that day, that I would have been like some movie star hero, spitting in the face of danger, and asking the gunman in the time honored words of Clint Eastwood "You've got to ask yourself a question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?" I am sure I would have been scared to death just like everyone else, because death is a scary thing to face even if you have made your peace and are confident in your future. What I do know is that had I been there, I would have known that I could not simply sit there and await my eventual death. Because if I did one of two things would happen: One, I would die senselessly, cowering pitifully in a corner, or two, I would have lived and I would have to go through each and every day knowing that if not for my cowardice, my refusal to act, I might have prevented some or all of this great tragedy. I would live everyday with the burden of those deaths on my conscious. And I don't think I could live with that.

And so I suppose that my point in all of this, is that somewhere along the line in our attempt make men less dangerous, to make them nicer and safer and well, more like women, we have caused them to lose the very essence of who they are. A result which not only leaves them empty and frustrated, but as we've seen in these recent acts of violence, makes the world a more dangerous place in which to live. It's ironic how so often as human beings we set out to "fix" something only to make it worse in the end. In an effort to have less violence and aggression in our society, we ended up removing one of the primary sources of protection against the violence. It's like the whole gun control issue, regardless of how much you try to control and restrict gun usage, criminals will always find a way to get one. Why? Because criminals rarely use legal means to obtain a gun and so in the end you're really just limiting the ability of the "good" guys to defend themselves. Well I am sure this post is likely to garner me much more negative comments than positive ones but that is ok, because if everyone agreed with me, then there would be no interesting discussions following, and what would be the fun in that?

Worship: Not Lyrics but lifestyle

Worship it’s not a song it’s a state of mind, it’s not a lyric it’s a lifestyle. We worship every moment of every day, no matter what. Every breath you take, every word you speak, every action or inaction is an act of worship. Don’t get me wrong I’m not saying that it’s all an act of worshipping God; but it is an act of worship. In the very beginning we were created to worship, we were created to worship the God of the universe, but if we don’t worship Him, we will worship something. It may be us, our friends, our job, the car we drive, money, power, prestige, it can be many things but whatever it is we’re worshipping at the moment, the point is we’re worshipping.

As Christians we like to believe worship is something we do on Sunday morning, you know that feel good, fuzzy feeling we get when we sing corporate worship songs. But if you let yourself settle for that as your definition of worship you will sadly be missing out on what worship truly is and on the true joy and honor of being able to offer our Father in heaven, true, heartfelt worship; worship that’s more than musical melodies. A life of worship is less about song and more about sacrifice, it’s less about lifting our hands and more about lifting the name of Christ before a lost and dying world. It’s about desire, not dancing; it’s about passion and power, not just praise.

Now let me be the first to say that I love corporate worship, I love it, the songs, the music, the joining together with other Christians to lift Christ’s name in praise. But if I truly want to worship my heavenly father, if I want to give Him the praise and honor He is do, then my every breath should in some way be it’s own act of worship. My work day can be an act of worship when instead of letting myself become the focus of my day, instead of letting work drag me down and thinking to myself man I can’t wait until my shift is over, I instead offer Christ my work day as an act of worship, I offer Him my the work of my hands, I work as unto the Lord, doing the best I can do, not because I want that raise or that coveted promotion but because I am working as unto the Lord, offering Him not only my Sunday morning songs, but my effort, my energy, my production as praise unto Him.

My relationship with my wife, is another great opportunity to offer my life in praise to God in heaven. When I treat my wife as the amazing gift of God that she is, when I cherish her not only for what she gives to me but for the very fact that God gave her to me. You see the very way I treat my wife, the way I look at her, the way I think about her, the way I speak about her when she’s not around is in itself an act of worship. Even sex can be an act of worship, when I take my eyes off from myself, off of my own selfish self-gratification, and look at her as the wondrous gift she is, when I think God for her not only because she cooks and cleans and takes care of the kids, but also for the wondrous way she fulfills me in a way no other can.

When your faced with the aggravation and irritation of someone cutting you off on the freeway, when the cops pull you over for driving a few miles an hour over the speed limit, when that ditzy cashier rings up your groceries wrong once again, do you get angry? Do you gripe and complain? Letting your actions become an act of worship, not of God but of your own physical human self, not a worship of song and dance but of justification, of retribution, of self-service. Instead offer your actions in worship, when the cop pulls you over and you feel unfairly treated, when the driver cuts you off and you feel justly irritated, when the cashier screws up again and you feel aggravated; offer your life to God in praise, smile, treat them as you would God himself, for they are His children.

So remember this, everything you do is an act of praise, who are you worshipping? Life is a stage, upon which we perform each and every day. Who are you performing for? It’s alright to have a favorite sports team, but don’t let them become the object of your worship. It’s alright to spend time with friends, but remember your life will reflect what you worship, they can often see who it is that sits upon your throne. In fact it is far more likely that if someone has been deceived as to who really sits upon your throne, it’s you. I’ve had many jobs over the years but never have I ever had to come out and tell my coworkers what really mattered to me, my life reflected it, whether good or bad, they knew, even if I did not.

Did you really give Him a chance?

God speaks in mysterious ways. Take for instance the Skillet concert my wife and I attended last night, which I might add was a truly rockin’ concert. Near the end of the concert Skillet lead singer John Cooper gave a message that hit harder than many preachers Sunday morning sermons. To my surprise I found this message speaking right into the directions I have been seeing with the idea of a “Metamorphosis of the human soul”. What was it he said? “If you say that you gave God a chance but He just didn’t do anything for you, then you really didn’t give God a chance, you may have given church a chance, but if you really give God a chance you can’t help but be changed.”

This fits perfectly into the Metamorphosis analogy. You see you can not enter into the cocoon (give your life to Jesus) and not come out changed. Have you ever heard of a caterpillar spinning a cocoon and then emerging later still a caterpillar? Of course not, it is impossible for a caterpillar to emerge from the cocoon unchanged. So it is when we give our lives over to Christ, we simply cannot give our life over to God and remain unchanged, it cannot happen.

So if you find your self believing that you have already given God a chance, but that He simply didn’t make a difference in you life then I would encourage you to really give Him a chance this time. Because if you honestly open yourself to Christ, if you allow Him full access in your life, and don’t try and make Him fit your mold, don’t try and turn Him into some sort of cosmic vending machine, you will find yourself changed; I guarantee it.



And in the words of Skillet. “This is the last night you’ll spend alone. Look me in the eyes so I know you know, I’m everywhere you want me to be. The last night you spend alone, I’ll wrap you in my arms, and I won’t let go; I’m everything you need me to be.”

Please, Sir, I want some more...

Studies show that most christian youth will abandon their faith by the time they reach their senior year of college.



Like many young Christians in the midwest, I had grown up in a good christian family. Every Sunday we went to church, many times both Sunday morning and Sunday night, I attended youth group, and even for a time attended a small Bible study at the home of some adult friends of mine. In those days God was an ever present and very important part of my life, I hungered for more and more of God, and the more my spirit was fed the more I grew. But as time would tell I was ill prepared for the transition ahead.

It was in the fall of 2000 that I left the familiar life of home, for the grand adventure and independence of college life. Looking back I had a very unrealistic view of what my new life would bring. Having never been even remotely popular with the ladies, I had handled my hurt and frustration by mistakingly believing that college would be different. I believed that upon arriving at the college, God would point out to me the girl who was to be my wife, it would of course be love at first site, and having fallen hopelessly in love with each other we would be married and “live happily ever after”. On top of this I also believed that once the relationship issue had been resolved God would reveal to me exactly what it was that I was to be doing, and my new wife and I could begin our new life together serving God. And I am sure, to your great surprise, all did not go as I had envisioned.

In fact I soon realized that nothing had in fact changed and that I was just as unpopular in college as I had been in high school. Actually to say I was unpopular would not be entirely honest, everyone knew me, everyone loved to wave at me when they saw me, but nobody wanted to date me, or even hang out with me, it was a popularity which almost hurt more than if I had been completely ignored or even hated. And to make matters worse no longer having all those around me feeding me the things of God, I had begun to drift away from God. Don’t get me wrong I still loved Him, I still prayed (sometimes), I wasn’t turning my back on God on purpose. But having been surrounded by God and people who loved Him all my life, I had never discovered how to feed myself spiritually. And just like our physical bodies, our spirit if not fed will grow weak and eventually die.

And so as the weeks and months passed by, I grew weak. I found myself sinking deeper into the darkness, wrestling with a sorrow I could not comprehend. I watched as parts of me died, I quit going to church, it unfortunately had become just another sad reminder that no one wanted to spend time with me. My classes suffered as I no longer cared whether or not I did my homework, I gave a minimal effort, which to my credit still gave me mostly B’s. I shut myself off more and more from the outside world, spending more and more time on the internet, or watching Tv in the dark, late at night when nothing the least bit worthwhile was on. If not for writing and poetry I’m not sure I would have made it thru that dark and lonely time of my life as well as I did, it became the relief valve through which the pressures of life were released. All my hurt and pain, my heart ache and anguish poured out upon the page, saving my very soul from drowning amidst the flood of un-cried tears. The years since then have been a long and grueling journey, and no matter how much time passes I shall always bare the scars of those dark and terrible days. For me it was the valley of the shadow of death, but by the grace of God I came through it, stronger and smarter, with lessons earned in sweat and blood.

It is one of these lessons which brings me back to the title of this article. The lesson is this, “You must learn to feed yourself.” This is one area I feel the Church has failed its youth. There are many churches which provide great environments for there youth, great lessons, great games, great music. But what they fail to do is provide them with the skills necessary to feed themselves. I believe much of this problem comes from a naive belief by many churches that the youth will simply transition into adulthood and become men of God, men of the church. But what we forget is that throughout their lives they have been presented with lessons geared to their age group, to what they are going through. They’ve had their lessons broken down and fed to them in little bites. Their youth paster reads to them from scripture, and tells them what it means, what they should do about it. Which is great, youth need to be inspired and guided and encouraged, but what happens when that youth goes off to college? What happens when they know they should read the Bible, but they don’t know where to start, and if they read they don’t understand what it’s trying to say? Sooner than later they are going quit reading it- why? Because if there is one thing college brings into the life of a new student it’s things to do, there are always things going on on a college campus, there are friends to hang out with, sporting events to attend, campus groups vying for your time, there are a million distractions in the life of a college student. I know, I’ve been one.

So to all the churches, youth leaders, and parents who read this: teach your youth how to feed themselves. To all the youth preparing for college, and all those now dealing with the schedules and distractions and peer-pressure: find someone to help you learn. And if you can’t find someone, then pray and keep reading, keep trying to feed yourself. God will bring you guidance. And finally, keep the faith, for no matter how dark the world may seem, God is still with you.

I have a dream

Last monday was Martin Luther King day, a time when we celebrate the birth of Martin Luther King, and his work for the civil rights movement. There is a speech by Dr. King which can be heard all across our great nation on that day, and if there is one thing that every man, woman and child of this nation remembers and associates with this speech it’s this.... I have a dream! I have a dream, it’s a simple statement, four little words, yet words which resound with power and purpose; words which even now stir hearts.

Every time I hear those words my heart stirs as well, for you see I too have a dream. And no my dream will never earn for itself a sacred holiday, nor likely will it ever rest upon the hearts and minds of our great nation. But it is no less real to me, no less powerful, and with no less passion does my soul cry for it’s coming. For my dream beats within me like drums of war, it sings like the songs of angels, it tears at me like bitter agony. It yearns to be free, to be birthed into this world we know and effect it’s change upon her occupants, it yearns to be realized.

Yet like all great dreams my dream can neither be accomplished nor effect any real change upon my sole labor. Thru no amount of my own effort or desire, can this dream be brought to light; it is only the indomitable will of man, and the unending grace of our God which can see this thru. For you see dear friends, my dream is you.

You are the youth group I watched grow from it’s infancy, you are the members of Campus Crusade which cause me such frustration, yet in whom I hold such great hope, You are friends, neighbors and relatives, you are those I’ve never met, but who read my late night ramblings, you are Discover Hope, You are college professors, bosses, coworkers, you are the uncle I’ve not seen in years, and the Grandmother I haven’t seen in longer, you’re both men and women, old and young, you are my dream.

My dream is not to see a fifty member campus crusade group, or a three-hundred member youth group, my dream is you, specifically you. I want to see each of you experience a spiritual metamorphosis, I want to see each of you grow from what you are into what you are destined to be, I want to see change. I want to see each of you change from the simplicity of a caterpillar into the amazing complexity of the butterfly, I want to see you dream. You see my dream is not to be the next Billy Graham, or the next Mother Teresa, my dream is to see you become the next Billy Graham and Mother Teresa, to see you become teachers, and preachers, missionaries and evangelists. To see you sing and dance and live, for Christ Jesus, to help you realize the dream that God has for you.

And don’t you think even for an instant that God doesn’t have a dream for you to dream. For I have looked into your eyes, and listened to your hearts, I have felt your longings, if only in my dreams. When I look at you I do not see just another face in the crowed, I do not see a third string water boy, a drunk, an idiot, a homeless man. No I see soldiers, I see teachers, I see hands helping and hearts reaching for those teetering upon the edge. I do not see you as you are, but as you can be. I do not see you with mine own eyes, but with eyes above; and my friend you have no idea the difference.